I thought I needed to share this thought as I have been trying to get around it and avoid it for long. This has sort of suppressed my real intention, my passions and driving force for me doing what I am doing.
I have always been drawn towards spirituality. I have always been drawn to the sanctum sanctorum of any temple. I have always found that path leaving out of the temple painful and an intense pain in moving away from the gopurams. I have always wanted to become an ascetic - a Sanyasi.
I still have this intense feeling and I sort of desire it.
Thats where the problem begins.
I shall dwell upon this later, but this is where my current life began. This where thoughts fell in place. This recognition of this desire as a desire - Kama.
A whole new set of thoughts poured in. As these thoughts took shape my mother land loomed large before me and I was in a place distant and alone. Alone to the onset of thoughts of guilt. Thoughts of shame. Why? Lack of direction.
Two very powerful forces. One the desire to take to spirituality. Second the desire to work for the motherland. I was part of section of Indians in a foreign land wanting for an American life with an Indian setting.
I love India. Slowly I started appreciating the Americans. The people that built America were passionate. They did not stop at goals they simply went for bigger ones. Outside! Outside into the world.
Indians have been passionate from the first call towards freedom - Moksha! The call to expand and grow inside. They did not stop. They went towards infinity - Inside.
These thoughts slowly tore away my limited thinking and I started to expand inside and learn on the outside. I told myself I will get back. I will work. I will work hard for my country.
I dont want India to change. I dont want to compare. I just wanted to live and make a difference to myself. To live every moment. To learn every moment. To enjoy doing every moment.
I cant make India rich. I cant make the poverty go away. I cant put a heart to capitalism and I cant show the Spirit to the Commys. I can make a difference to myself doing what I like. Working in my country.
I love India. I love the World and I love the Universe. I love my world and my world is rapidly changing and I am learning to change with it. Live it. Enjoy it. Taking baby steps one at a time.
Why all these words. They define what I am doing. I am learning.
When I sat there thinking what am I doing neither a renunciate nor an enjoyer. Brooding! Kshudram Hrudaya Daurbalyam. Where from the faint heartedness Bharatha! You are the Infinite. Says He! and I am sitting here brooding.
Live life. Do Dharma. Thats my way! And here I am learning Dharma every minute. Here I am a citizen of Bharat a Lover of the here and now. Learning to exist. Here I am watching and learning that Love is not what another showers on you. Its what You offer continually. The ears have to be trained to listen to the subtlest of tunes in Carnatic or any classical music. Similarly, the heart has to be opened up to give Love to feel Love.
I hope and pray I continue opening up to learn and Live Life to Love.
